~*~Yesterday~*~

Yesterday I thought that you loved me,
I guess I was mistaken.
You took all my love and made me cry.
Why did you hurt me?
All those memories we had together.
All which are now washed away in time.
From my tears that I shed over you, for you.
How could I have been so blind yesterday?
Why didn't I know?
Why couldn't I see the truth that was shown with your eyes,
Your deceiving eyes.
~LauLau~

~*~Thoughts from the strange brown eyed gurl~*~
***Feb 3rd 2001***

~*~Tape~*~

Tape comes in handy
I love tape
To j/ play around w/ it
Wrapping it around my fingers
Wasting it all away

Tissues

Its like tissues
In a strange way that is
You waste tissues to
Waste them on useless tears
Crying gets u nowhere
It doesnt make things better
It doesnt all of a sudden make u happy
Crying sucks

Crying is like the phone ringing
You think it will be for u and it isnt
You think crying will help u
Make things seem better then what they r
Your j/ wasting your time
Go out and do something w/ yourself
Do something for others
Be a human being
See where tape can take u
See what tape can make u think of
Tape is cool
~LauLau~

~*~Me, My-Self and I~*~

I look around my room wondering,
Is this who I really am?
Is this who I want to be?
I look at all the pictures that fill my walls,
And yet again another feeling creeps into me.
Is this who I want people to think I am?
Im bewildered at how everyone perceives me to be,
Am I really like they all say?
Am I really that bad?
My words do not always come out the way I wish them too.
And my actions are usually wrong.
Because I know deep down inside,
Im really not that loud.
Im really not that bad.
Is it better to be this loud and annoying person,
When inside I'm truly not,
When inside I hurt because of it.
I would like to let go of this outer coating of myself,
And show everyone that I truly am a great person.
But I can't.
What would they say?
What will they think?
~LauLau~

~*~Can't Show You My Pain~*~

I grab a tissue from the box and bring it up to my watering eyes.
Unsure of what I cry about.
I must not cry.
They cant know the pain I feel.
I wont let them laugh at my tears.
The phone is in front of me.
I glance at it, praying that it would ring.
Praying that someone will care.
I dont want to be alone.
Inside my body I cringe.
No one calls.
No one cares.
I sit still, thinking sad thoughts.
Not understanding why it always ends up this way.
Its a Saturday night.
I want to be out.
Having fun.
Instead I sit here.
Feeling bad.
Feeling like no one wants me.
Why do these thoughts take over my mind?
Why must they possess me?
Leave me alone.
~LauLau~

~*~Life~*~

Life's a mystery, no clue how it ends.
Life's so hard, it makes no easy bends.
Why does it hurt me?
How can I stop the pain?
When will I see,
Its just something Ill never be able to tame.
The hurt I feel stabs at me,
So much that sometimes I can't seem to stand up and face the day.
What can I ever gain,
Is there no end to all this pain?
Still, life comes and life goes.
Those nights of loneness.
Those days of dread.
What will stop these painful thoughts in my head.
~LauLau~

~*~My Dear Friend~*~

My dear friend how happy you seem.
Is it truly how u feel inside,
Or are you scared to show your true identity.
Is the real true you hiding inside your wonderful soul.
Scared to come out.
Scared to be loved.
Afraid that you won't be wanted.
You are one of the few people who can make me smile when I'm down.
It is a gift,
It is your gift.
It is your love for others,
That shines though you.
Your humor can light up a room.
Your smile can brighten anyones day.
Is this my true dear friend,
Or some stranger that hides behind your kind face.
Your happy face.
~LauLau~

~*~Stepping Away~*~

I step away and look,
Look deep within myself.
Trying to find the true meaning of happiness.
As Im looking at myself, I become startled at what I see.
A smile creeping up onto my face.
My eyes, then matching my lips.
Is this possible, could I smile on the outside,
But on the inside feel such pain.
Life has its highs and lows.
I want to have the highs of happiness to fill me up,
Like a balloon being blown up with air.
I want too understand why I hurt.
No one truly understands why they feel the pain that they do.
I will learn this one-day myself.
As I keep watching the smile on my face, it gets broader.
It widens with the seconds of happiness that I might feel.
It feels good.
And my eyes once again match my lips
~LauLau~

~*~You'LL NeVeR LoVe ToDaY IF YouR MiND IS LoST IN YeSTeRDaY~*~
~LauLau~

~*~NeW SCHooL PoeMS I WRoTe~*~

~*~Quick sand~*~

Your one of a kind
How can I be so blind
Staring at the time Ive held
So close inside my heart of hell
Did I bring you farther down
Am I sufficating you to drown
Watch you run farther away
While I just stand here and wait
I know youll turn around soon enough
You got that secret touch
Will you hold me forever
We will never know
Will you tell me Im yours
How can I tell
Track down the thoughts of darkness within our two different minds
Trying to hard to smile away all our unahppy times
Fly as high
glow and weave
Tell the secret you cant keep
I crowed around you empty head
Ive listened to everything you have said
everything youve given me
All I have is such sad dreams
Suck it up and blow me away
How can I force you to make me stay
Weep and dry those tears of sorrow
For there will always be tomorrow
Run away from you again
Unaware of all the pain I cause
Trying to make you love me more
Scared that I care to much
~LauLau~

~*~take a step~*~

Too blind to see the truth within
so scared that you'll never win
that love you think you want so much
is really nothing but a lil crush

you care so deeply or so you think
maybe you're trying too hard not to sink
all you want is for him not to go
there is something however you need to know

he cares about you
and loves you too
but someone has his heart right now
even though you don't know how

too blind to see the truth within
so scared that you'll never win
that love you think you want so much
is really nothing but a lil crush

you think you can't move on
you're feeling oh so torn
between the ones you love so much
wanting nothing but his touch

you care for him, but in a different way
even though he seems to say...
"i love you babe, you're my greatest friend"
"But she is the girl i want in the end"

So look deep inside you're mind
and in time you will find
that you'll love eachother
like a sister and brother

too blind to see the truth within
so scared that you'll never win
that love you think you want so much
is really nothing but a lil crush
~LauLau~

~*~Wizard~*~

laugh a little louder
tell them who you are
be a little braver
you know you'll go far
act as if you might not care
try you're hardest not to stare
be real
don't let anyone put you down
always remember not to frown
forever be that lil clown
~LauLau~

~*~SOUP OF THE DAY~*~

You're so ready to just give up
Pretending i'm not there
To scared to ask for help
Completely unaware

I'll reach and grab your hand
Whenever your falling to fast
You gotta help yourself
For all of this to pass

Free you mind of all its pain
You gotta to be strong
Try your best to keep holding on

I'm here for you remember that
Don't ever forget that i got your back
A friend is an angel thats always at our side
Wipes away our tears
And helps us to fly

Just keep that in mind
The next time you wanna frown
I'll can always be your lil clown

Free you mind of all its pain
You gotta to be strong
Try your best to keep holding on
~LauLau~

~*~scratch beneath the surface, you'll always find me there~*~

breathe in
you take me in with every breathe
you leave me hanging with every step
in love with you, there is not doubt
why do you think i scream and pout
i'm a bitch, but it's not my fault
~LauLau~

~*~Think~*~

Stand still
Breathe in
We cringe
Happiness there
Still scared
Loved much
Secret touch
Tears weeped
Pain kept
Stolen heart
We part
Wanting more
Come on
Too blind
Here there
Gone forever
Hey stay
Far away
Tears stray
~LauLau~

~*~lost for the right words~*~

strange how they think of me
odd how they perseve me to be
wrong or right
who knows which one
all i know is i haven't won
opinionate
strongheaded
scared stiff
worried
sad
depressed
plain mad
bitchy
loser
ahhh
and blah
wondering how happiness only last a few short seconds
is it even worth it in the end
~LauLau~

~*~DayDream~*~

i look outside my shaded window
pondering how this all began
unknowing which wrong road i took
unable to turn around

all that's left is straight ahead
not knowing if it's holy or hell
i look away from my window
i lay down on my bed

pull the covers over me
and try to rest my head
all these thoughts
all these dreams

everything i still have yet to see
what lays ahead
how will i take it
all i know is i can't stand this

unable to sleep yet another nite
my mind won't stop buzzing
what today
another day brings
~LauLau~

~*~12/6/01~*~

storming from the ocean
i burn into the sea
dying for a new creation
awaiting the day i'm set free
counting each blessing
each new begining, every end
flew into a night lit sky
walked through the puffy white clouds
smile as they laught with joy
cried as they frowned
one by one, everyone falls
soon they will all be at rest
peace comes and evil spins
nothings liek the eagles sins
~LauLau~

~*~MouSe~*~

what's with that sad look
you lil happy gurl
what has upset you so much
in you lil happy world

did someone make fun of you again today
did another evil person call you gay
look past you unhappy thoughts from yesterday
for it is here that you can not stay

smile just a lil smile
you know tomorrow isn't far away
it'll be so much better
then everything was yesterday

let those eyes shine
all the hurt of time
all that fear inside
will fly far into the sky

open up your mind
you will soon see in time
people are blind
all they can see is your smile

what's with that sad look
you lil happy gurl
what has upset you so much
in you lil happy world
~LauLau~

~*~SWeeT~*~

came home crying
threw my book bag onto the floor
threw away my notebook
on which they wrote 'whore'

can you not see in my eyes
is all this pain only felt by me
what have i done to deserve this
won't anyone just leave me be

it was only one nite
that he and i were together
i didn't know his name
but that didn't seem to matter

i went home later on
feeling used and hurt
confused on what just happened
feeling as low as dirt

i went to school today
still not feeling right
all of my emotions
bottled up oh so tight

i saw him down the hall
he pointed at me and laught
i knew right then
i never wanted to come back

throughout the day it just got worse
giggles floated the air
no body to talk to me
even the teachers stared

so now i'm home
crying on my floor
knowing in my heart and soul
i not like they said, i'm not a whore
~LauLau~

i'll wash away
i'm useless
i'm useless
u'll beg me to stay
why do u want me
why can't i see
then u'll push me away
i'm crying
i'm hurting
gotta let me stray
leave me be
on my own
i'm washing away
i'm useless
i'm useless

sitting there
feeling fat
wondering how it came to that
feeling sorry
sure why not
you would to
if you were a big blot

~*~THE PAINTBRUSH~*~

I KEEP MY PAINTBRUSH WITH ME, WHEREVER I MAY GO,
IN CASE I NEED TO COVER UP, SO THE REAL ME DOESN'T SHOW.
I'M SO AFRAID TO SHOW YOU ME; AFRAID OF WHAT YOU'LL DO,
I"M AFRAID YOU'LL LAUGH OR SAY MEAN THINGS; AFRAID I MIGHT LOSE YOU.
I'D LIKE TO REMOVE ALL THE LAYERS, TO SHOW YOU THE REAL, TRUE ME,
BUT I WANT YOU TO TRY TO UNDERSTAND; I NEED YOU TO LIKE WHAT YOU SEE.
SO IF YOU'LL BE PATIENT AND CLOE YOUR EYES, I'LL REMOVE THE COATS REALL SLOW,
PLEASE UNDERSTAND HOW MUCH THIS HURTS, TO LET THE REAL ME SHOW.
NOW THAT MY COATS ARE ALL STRIPPED OFF, I FEEL NAKED, BARE AND COLD,
AND IF YOU STILL FIND ME PLEASING, YOU ARE MY FRIEND, PURE AS GOLD.
I NEED TO SAVE MY PAINTBRUSH THOUGH, AND HOLD IT IN MY HAND.
I NEED TO KEEP IT HANDY IN CASE SOMEONE DOESN'T UNDERSTAND.
SO PLEASE PROTECT ME, MY DEAR FRIEND, AND THANKS FOR LOVING ME TRUE,
AND PLEASE LET ME KEEP MY PAINTBRUSH WITH ME, UNTIL I LOVE ME TOO.
~BETTIE B. YOUNGS~

~*~CONFUSED~*~

MY KNEES START TO SHAKE,
WHEN YOU'RE IN SIGHT.
MY MIND FILLED WITH WONDER,
MY HEART WITH FRIGHT.
WHEN WILL THIS FEELING STOP?
WHEN DID IT START?
HOW CAN I LISTEN TO MY MIND,
WITHOUT BREAKING MY HEART?
I'M SO CONFUSED.
WHAT SHOULD I DO?
I CAN'T THINK OF ANYTHING,
EXCEPT YOU.
SHOULD I IGNORE YOU,
OR JUST GIVE IT TIME?
I CAN'T THINK STRAIGHT,
MY HEART CONTROLS MY MIND.
~ANONYMOUS~

~*~HOW BIG IS YOUR SPLASH?~*~

NOW AS I LOOK INWARD,
I FIND THAT BY COMPARISON,
I HAVEN'T JUMPED AS HIGH
OR MADE AS LARGE A SPLASH
AS THE OTHERS THAT I KNOW.
I'M TOLD
THERE IS NO FACE OR MIND
LIKE MINE.
I AM ONE OF A KIND.
THIS MAKES ME WONDER
WHAT ANOTHER PERSON
WITH THE SAME FRAME,
BACKGROUND AND FOIBLES
WOULD HAVE DONE WITH IT.
~ELMER ADRIAN~

~*~PLEASE LISTEN~*~
WHEN I ASK YOU TO LISTEN TO ME
AND YOU START GIVING ME ADVICE,
YOU HAVE NOT DONE WHAT I ASKED.
WHEN I ASK YOU TO LISTEN TO ME
AND YOU BEGIN TO TELL ME WHY I SHOULDN'T FEEL THAT WAY,
YOU ARE TRAMPLING ON MY FEELINGS.
WHEN I ASK YOU TO LISSTEN TO ME
AND YOU FEEL YOU HAVE TO DO SOMETHING
TO SOLVE MY PROBLEMS,
YOU HAVE FAILED ME,
STRANGE AS THAT MAY SEEM.
LISTEN! ALL I ASK IS THAT YOU LISTEN.
DON"T TALK OR DO-JUST HEAR ME.
ADVICE IS CHEAP;20 CENTS WILL GET
YOU BOTH DEAR ABBY AND BILLY GRAHAM
IN THE SAME NEWSPAPER.
AND I CAN DO FOR MYSELF; I AM NOT HELPLESS.
MAYBE DISCOURAGED AND FALTERING,
BUT NOT HELPLESS.
WHEN YOU DO SOMETHING FOR ME THAT I CAN AND NEED TO DO BY MYSELF,
YOU CONTRIBUTE TO MY FEAR AND
INADEQUACY.
BUT WHEN YOU ACCEPT AS A SIMPLE FACT
THAT I FEEL WHAT I FEEL,
NO MATTER HOW IRRATIONAL,
THEN I STOP TRYING TO CONVINCE
YOU AND GET ABOUT THIS BUISNESS
OF UNDERSTANDING WHAT'S BEHIND
THIS IRRATIONAL FEELING.
AND WHEN THAT'S CLEAR, THE ANSWERS ARE
OBVIOUS THAT I DON"T NEED ADVICE.
IRRATIONAL FEELINGS MAKE SENSE WHEN
WE UNDERSTAND WHAT'S BEHIND THEM.
PERHAPS THAT'S WHY PRAYER WORKS, SOMETIMES,
FOR SOME PEOPLE-BECAUSE GOD INS MUTE,
AND HE DOESN'T GIVE ADVICE OR TRY
TO FIX THINGS.
GOD JUST LISTENS AND LETS YOU WORK
IT OUT FOR YOURSELF.
SO PLEASE LISTEN, AND JUST HEAR ME.
AND IF YOU WANT TO TALK, WAIT A MINUTE
FOR YOUR TURN-AND I WILL LISTEN TO YOU.
~AUTHOR UNKNOWN~

~*~MY NEW BEST FRIEND~*~

TODAY I MET A GREAT NEW FRIEND
WHO KNEW ME RIGHT AWAY
IT WAS FUNNY HOW SHE UNDERSTOOD
ALL I HAD TO SAY
SHE LISTENED TO MY PROBLEMS
SHE LISTENED TO MY DREAMS
WE TALKED ABOUT LOVE AND LIFE
SHE'D BEEN THERE, TOO, IT SEEMS
I NEVER ONCE FELT JUDGED BY HER
SHE KNEW JUST HOW I FELT
SHE SEEMED TO JUST ACCEPT ME
AND ALL THE PROBLEMS IU'D BEEN DEALT
SHE DIDN"T INTERRUPT ME
OR NEED TO HAVE HER SAY
SHE JUST LISTENED VERY PATIENTLY
AND DIDN'T GO AWAY
I WANTED HER TO UNDERSTAND
HOW MUCH THIS MEANT TO ME
BUT AS I WENT TO HUG HER
SOMETHING STARTLED ME
I PUT MY ARMS INFRONT OF ME
AND WENT TO PULL HER NEARER
AND REALIZED THAT MY NEW BEST FRIEND
WAS NOTHING BUT A MIRROR
~AUTHOR UNKNOWN~

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